Parker! Bring me pictures of Spider-Man!

We all know Peter Parker has had a hard time holding down a job. He's not loaded like Batman and his job does not necessitate running into danger like Superman's so your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man has always been kinda screwed every time some one needs his help but he was on the clock. But that does not excuse the wall-crawler from robbing a pizzeria!

That's right Spidey fans, some jackass in Tacoma, WA donned the web-slinger's duds and a 9mm and waltzed into a Papa Murphy's pizzeria for his take of the till. That was last Wednesday but, unfortunately, it gets worse. It turns out that on Nov. 4, two Spider-Men walked into a Bank of America in Texas, decked out in Spidey costumes, hooded sweatshirts and guns and apparently got away clean. Here is, I kid you not, a still shot from the bank security camera.


If he's already got the costume on, why did he think he needed the hood? What was he trying to accomplish there? Was he trying to make people think it was a different Marvel Comics hero? "Oh my officer, I was so scared I can't remember if it was Spider-Man or Thor!"

And actually, the cops investigating the bank robbery Spider-Men think one of them was actually a Spider-Woman... insert your own joke here.

I hate to say it but maybe J. Jonah Jameson was right all along. Maybe Spider-Man is a menace. After all, he did get arrested in LA on the Hollywood walk of fame a couple weeks ago for slugging some guy.

My, my, my... what is this world coming to? Before you know it, people dressed as the Fastastic Four are going to be robbing banks and pizzerias because they saw Spider-man do it and they thought it was cool. Blind criminals dressed as devils will try to join in but they'll have walked into Build a Bear workshops by accident! Terrorists are going to dress up as the X-Men to pull off unspeakable acts of evil! Although I'm sure none of them are going to want to dress as The Phoenix, too revealing for Muslim extremists.

Everyone send an apology card to Bryan Singer

"Superman Returns" was not a great movie by any means but at least it didn't look like "The Hulk". It could have been a better movie but it was average for the superhero movies of the era. This was pre "The Dark Knight" after all.

But let's all thank our Lord and savior that Tim Burton's "Superman Lives" never saw the light of day. For those of you that are unfamiliar, back in the mid to late 90s, Kevin Smith was offered re-write work at Warner Brothers and found a copy of their new Superman script. After he finished bashing the hell out of it to numerous executives they let him write his own version. Here's how it went down in Smith's own words.



As he said, based on his treatment of the script Tim Burton signed on to direct and Nicholas Cage signed on to star. The movie fell apart and it's a good thing. THIS is what Cage would have looked like as the Man of Steel.

Words actually fail me. Max Payne actually looks good by comparison. Let's ignore the Eric Draven hair, the washed out look of the photo and the fact that Cage looks like he's higher than your average Phish fan on tour. That leaves the suit. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT?!?! Is that really what the '90s were like? Would that have passed muster a decade ago? I thought I remembered the '90s pretty well and while there was a problem with neon in the beginning and flannel in the middle, I don't remember ever being in a mindset where that would have been acceptable.

Plus, I know it's just a wardrobe test photo but that is a really bad quality photo. To put it into perspective, this was a MAJOR STUDIO wardrobe test being done for what was hoped to be a blockbuster summer movie.

And this is what actor Thomas Jane PERSONALLY PAID FOR when he heard there might be a Johan Hex movie.


Need I say more?

Oh and in case you're wondering, a small snippet of Kevin Smith's draft did make it into "Superman Returns". It's the part where Superman flies Lois Lane into the stratosphere to tell her that he hears people calling out for help every day and it's hard not to be Superman. Apparently, Smith had set the scene on the top of Mt. Rushmore. and the dialog was very different. More about their personal relationship than his need to be a hero. You can check out all of Smith's script here.