The Teddy Bear. Childhood friend. Named after a president. Sent from the future to protect you.
Well not quite. This is the Army’s prototype Battlefield Extraction-Assist Robot or BEAR (very clever) that is designed to haul wounded soldiers off the battlefield without putting other soldiers in danger.
Built by Vecna Technologies out of Cambridge, MA, BEAR can haul 500 lbs, either stand 6 feet tall or “kneel” to only a few feet. BEAR can act as a recon robot, can lift more than wounded soldiers and got placed as number 11 on Newsweek’s 15 best examples of Weapon Porn. Check out this demo video by Vecna.
I’m all for ANYTHING that saves a US soldier’s life but this thing has a goddamned teddy bear head on it. Apparently the Vecna company is run and staffed entirely by 15-year old Japanese girls. They say the reason is to reassure victims as they are rescued but I’d like to see the research that backs that up.
Now, I’ve never been shot or hit by shrapnel or stabbed in a battlefield (one time I got a splinter on a soccer field but that may be different) but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to make me feel better. I imagine a reassuring sight is more like the medical chopper swooping in, the 40 ton tank rolling up to shield me from fire or Dr. Manhattan in his black Speedo.
By the logic they’re putting out there, then medics should wear teddy bear shaped helmets. BEAR with me here for a second (rimshot), I think they should have put a freaking Terminator’s head on that thing! I don’t care who we’re fighting in the future, Islamic extremists, the Chinese, Canadians… they'’ll all be terrified as a swarm of Terminator-headed rescue robots sweep in to survey the area or pluck fallen soldiers from the area.
Seriously though, kudos to Vecna for looking out for our boys in tan. Since you’re local, feel free to send us a BEAR for mature, responsible testing that in no way involves flipping my boss’ car on its side in the parking lot.
killer spudly....
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